Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
