my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
