I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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