The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
