i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
