my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
