Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
