i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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