My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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