I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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