So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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