I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
