Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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