This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
