i think i have two assholes
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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