I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
