I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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