Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
