I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
