plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Who died my cat blue again?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
