I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
