Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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