I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize