Sponge bath it is.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
