i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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