you traded sex for a burrito?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
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People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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