So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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