How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
