Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
