chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Come share oat with me in your robe