hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.