I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Who died my cat blue again?