so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
