the condom got lost in my hair
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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