just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
