I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
