Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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