You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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