boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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