I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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