Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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