as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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