Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
