here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
