So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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