so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.