Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
