It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
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I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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