I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
