I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
