I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
