I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
