I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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