I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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