I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
