So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
