My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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