Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
