I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
