My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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